SUCK IT!

Hai.

Hai.

Kamu apa khabar?

Sihat.

Sihat?

Walafiat.

Ohh. Betul?

Okeh, saya tipu.

Maknanya kamu tak sihat?

Mentally.

Kenapa?

It’s suck to be me right now.

Ohh. Is it really? Apa yang orang lain ada yang kamu tak ada?

What do you mean?

Kamu faham istilah syukur?

Ohh, sangat faham. Saya sangat bersyukur.

Jadi?

I’m just, not at my best right now.

Kenapa agaknya?

Tak tahu. Mungkin depresi.

Depresi? Ahh, kamu ini banyak berdrama sangat.

Hehe. Ye.

So, have you ever consider suicide?

Occasionally.

Really? Kamu kata kamu pandai bersyukur?

Well, I’m not going to do it anyway.

Kenapa?

I resent pain. And you know, there’s no such thing as painless suicide in this world.

How would you know?

A simple exercise I use to practice even when I was little. You try holding your breath as long as you can, and you can feel some of ‘heatness and heavy-dizziness’ going into your brain as you suffocating.

Meaning?

Even if you looks as calm as your usual self, it still undeniable that you will feel discomfort within. You know what they say; even if someone chopped off your head, you’re brain will still be living for some of the last second of your life.

Would you like to prove it yourself?

Unlikely. Like I said, I came to realize the fact that I’ll could never bear the pain.

As they’d say, no pain no gain.

Well, there are lot of people in this world who gains something without going through any pain.

Why do you think that?

Because they’re happy in what they’re doing.

So, the key is happy?

Yup, happy – bahagia.

Maksudnya kamu menghidap penyakit tidak bahagia?

Funny as you say that, seolah-olah kamu merasakan saya perlu mendapatkan rawatan di hospital bahagia.

Perhaps. I’m not suggesting anything, but how do you feel about that?

Well, maybe I ended up in tanjung rambutan or tampoi at some point of my life. But for the time being, I had no idea where I belong.

Have you ever experience any kind of mental breakdown lately?

Haha, no-lah. Haha. That would be… (sigh) insane even for a f*cked-up guy like me. That’s right, insane.

Hmm. So, apa cerita terbaru kamu sekarang?

Semalam ayah saya ada belikan nasi bungkus.

That’s nice of him.

Saya tak suka orang belikan makanan untuk saya.

Kenapa?

Saya tak makan bawang. Dan jugak sayur.

Jadi, kamu tolak pemberian ayah kamu tu?

Tak. As a matter of fact, dia ada telefon saya tanya apa saya nak makan terlebih dahulu.

Wise guy.

Not really. Saya mintak nasi paprik.

Tapi?

Paprik ada banyak sayur dan bawang. Tapi takpe. Saya mintak paprik ayam. Jadi masih boleh makan.

Kemudian?

Yang saya dapat adalah paprik campur. Saya tak gemarkan seafood. Kecuali ikan dan ketam. Itupun ketam yang dimasak gulai lemak cili api.

Jadi?

Takpe, masih ada ayam, masih boleh makan. Lagipun saya sempat buat order tambahan telur dadar kosong. Untuk buat back-up kalau-kalau lauk tak cukup untuk habiskan nasi.

Hmm, untuk orang yang kata tahu bersyukur, kamu nampak macam tamak dan berlagak pandai.

Well, from my point of view, pertama, tak guna saya telan sayur, bawang dan segala benda yang saya tak suka makan kalau akhirnya saya tak tahan dan termuntah dan hilang selera makan. Kedua, saya masih suka makan nasi, jadi tak guna kalau saya membazirkan nasi tersebut hanya atas sebab saya kekurangan lauk untuk membuka selera.

Ohh. Like I said,’berlagak’ pandai. So, was it good now? Was it up to your standard?

Not really.

Why then?

Telur dadar kosong saya rupanya telur dadar biasa, yang ada bawang di dalamnya.

Huh?

Tapi takpe. Saya masih boleh memilih (mengasingkan bawang dengan telur).

Ohh, so it’s settle then?

I guess. I mean, I was in good mood last night, somehow. If it was any other day, saya dah hilang mood nak makan. Mungkin juga menengking sesiapa yang menghulurkan makanan bukan seperti yang saya mintak itu.

Hot-temper, ye?

Takdelah. Saya tipu. Saya tak pernah tengking/marah orang. Tak percaya silalah tanya ‘orang’. Paling kuat pun saya cuma membebel dalam hati dan hilang mood seketika.

Ohh, jadi kamu pilih ayam dari paprik, dan kamu pilih telur dari bawang. Macam mana akhirnya? Kamu kenyang?

Alhamdulillah. Macam saya katakan tadi, saya tahu bersyukur.

Haha. Tapi kamu masih membazir sebahagian besar makanan kamu.

Tidak semestinya. Ada seekor kucing asyik berlingkar di kaki saya. Saya tahu saya boleh bagi dia makan sisa makanan saya yang tak habis tu.

Kamu tak sebut pun pasal kucing tu tadi?

Because it never bother me. Dia cuma merengek-rengek mintak makanan. Saya tak kisah, cuma alert.

Alert?

Yup. Ada sekali saya tersedak, dan saya perlu mengambil air milo yang saya sangkutkan beberapa kaki dari saya (sebab takut bersemut). Tapi saya tahu kalau saya letakkan nasi atas meja, kucing tu pasti terkam. Jadi saya berdiri sambil pegang nasi tu kat tangan saya.

Ohh, okey. Reasonable thought.

Kemudian, kucing tadi tak henti merayap kat kaki saya sampai saya tersadung dan lutut saya berlanggar dengan kerusi.

Nasi tumpah tak?

Tak, tapi lutut saya lemah rasa tak mampu berdiri.

Jadi, kamu duduk tak?

Agak susah nak duduk bila tangan sebelah pegang nasi, sebelah pegang air, dan sendi lutut rasa sengal sekali. But I manage to sit anyway.

So… kamu rasa sakit hati?

Tak. Remember, I’m still in good mood last night, somehow.

So you’re not complaining?

Nope. It was chain of events. I’m a little bit hurt, but I’m not annoyed. Who’s to blame? The cat?

Meaning kamu masih beri kucing tu makan akhirnya?

Definitely. Saya tak suka membazir. Saya seorang yang sangat faham erti syukur.

Huh, interesting. So apa yang kamu cuba maksudkan adalah…?

When I’m in a good mood - which I don’t really know what triggers that in the first place anyway - I can tolerate to almost anything. Nothing bugs me.

So… are you in good mood today?

I think so. Why would I’ve write this entry and reveal my inner-thought if I feel insecure like I was in the last few weeks?

Well, there could be an explanation for that.

I would like to hear it please.

You’re in denial.

What the f*ck is that suppose to mean?

Well, first, you said you life were really sucked at this moment. But then you emphasize that you were in good mood and nothing will ever bugs you. You never reveal what’s your definition of ‘sucked’ anyway. Lagipun kamu kata kamu manusia yang bersyukur, tapi kamu masih memilih itu dan ini dan cuma mencari cara untuk mendefinisikan erti syukur itu sendiri dalam kamus hidup kamu. Dua kali kamu menipu saya dalam menjawab soalan, yang membawa makna kamu cuma menipu diri kamu sendiri. The first question is the most important one. And yet kamu masih mahu menjawab dengan menipu mengatakan kamu masih sihat. Do you see anything wrong in this picture?

Well, maybe it’s kinda misplaced somewhere.

And how about your life? You still didn’t face facts. You still thinking if you change what you did in past, there would be a better today for you. You still searching who’s responsible for all this misery in your life. And you still hanging, thinking that you could grab another opportunity to resume your life as it were before. And worst of all, you still expect everyone will outlive you like you’d were born just yesterday. You realize every aspect of that in your conscious mind, and you choose to define yourself as a ‘f*ucked-up guy’ in the end.

Well, I’m depressing. So…

It doesn’t give you the right to be lowered your logical mind of thinking. You were there - you’ve BEEN THERE. You manage to hold your senses, your sanity altogether when you’re almost lost a fragment of it. Do you really want to experience it all again? When you see a moving car and then suddenly realize it was actually just parked outside your window all that time? And then you can’t differentiate which one is the parking lot and which one is the highway road. That state of mind is really f*cking you up, man. When you’re gonna wake up?

Well, I’m recovering. Ain’t I?

By what? By putting on hold all your real-life responsibility? For as long as you think it would take? By alienating all of your friends? Didn’t even bother to check your phone when it’s ringing? What’ve you really progress here all this time?

Give me a break. It’s not like I want to be alone. I just cannot produce any good conversation as long as I have all this nonsense going through my head. I’m going to babbling about – who knows? It’ll be an awkward moment for any of us. Of course I could pretend like I was normal but it just a matter of time before I let everything else out. And it’s not going to be pretty.

So you still want to use this kind of approach – by pausing your own life for a brief moment?

For a period of time – yes. Lagipun dah tak lama dah pun.

I hate to say this, but you’re making a wrong move. Circle of life around you is still spinning at the sensible rate and you simply can’t ignore it. What you have to do is…

BANG!!!

Good, you have shut your f*cking hole. Join the club.



P/S : Kadang-kadang kita cuma perlukan seseorang untuk bercakap. Ia tak semestinya perlu konstruktif atau komprehensif atau apa sekali pun. Ia cuma sekadar perbualan kosong. Tak perlukan penjelasan, penghuraian dan sebagainya. Kerana aku masih tidak mampu untuk bercerita apa-apa sekarang. Aku cuma sekadar tidak mampu untuk memberi sebarang sebab atau alasan. As simple as that. And I hope I’ll never have to. Ever.